The AOC & Judicial Council’s 285 Rules of Acquisition

Posted on October 6, 2012

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This came in the email from someone who declared themselves an AOC employee.

JC/AOC’s 285 management rules of acquisition

1. Once you have trial court money, you never give it back.
2. The best deal is the one that brings the most kickbacks.
3. When using taxpayer money, always pay more than you have to.
4. Don’t forget to collect your kickback.
5. If you can’t break a contract, bend it.
6. Never allow ethics to stand in the way of opportunity.
7. Keep your ears open.
8. Small print leads to large taxpayer expense.
9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
10. Greed is eternal.
11. Coins aren’t the only thing that shines.
12. Any courthouse worth selling is worth selling twice.
13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
14. Anything stolen is pure profit.
15. Acting stupid is often smart.
16. A deal is a deal…until a better one comes along.
17. A contract is a contract is a contract…but only between unlicensed contractors
18. A councilmember without profit is no councilmember at all.
19. Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
20. When legislators are sweating, turn up the heat.
21. Never place friendship above profit.
22. A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
23. Nothing is more important than your health, except for your money.
24. Money can’t buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it.
25. You can’t make a deal if you’re dead or unemployed.
27. There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest employee.
31. Never insult a councilmembers mother…insult something he cares about instead.
33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
34. War is good for business.
35. Peace is good for business.
40. They can touch your spending reports, but never your Money.
41. Profit is its own reward.
44. Never confuse wisdom with luck.
45. Expand or die
47. Never trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
52. Never ask when you can take.
57. Corrupt employees are as rare as Gold–treasure them.
58. There is no substitute for success.
59. Free advice is seldom cheap.
60. Keep your lies consistent.
62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
65. Win or lose, there’s always the crack pipe.
69. When she discusses a raise for “favors”, take her up on it.
74. Knowledge equals profit.
75. Home is where the heart is…but the stars are made of cash.
76. Every once in a while, declare that all is well….it confuses the hell out of your enemies.
79. Beware of the citizens greed for knowledge.
82. The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
85. Never let the legislature know what you’re thinking.
89. Ask not what kickbacks can do for you, but what you can do for your kickbacks.
94. Ethics and finances don’t mix.
95. Expand the AOC…or die.
97. Enough…is never enough.
98. Every man has his price.
99. Trust is the biggest liability of all.
102. Nature decays, but diamonds are forever.
103. Sleep can interfere with opportunity.
104. Faith moves mountains…of taxpayer funds.
106. There is no honor in keeping trial courts staffed.
109. Dignity, ethics and an empty bank account…is worth the empty bank account.
111. Treat people in your debt like family…exploit them.
112. Never have sex with the boss’s sister.
113. Always have sex with the boss.
121. Everything is for sale, even friendship.
123. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of cash.
125. You can’t make a deal if you’re dead. 
139. Employees serve, leadership inherits.
141. Only fools pay their expenses.
144. There’s nothing wrong with charity…as long as it winds up in your pocket.
162. Even in the worst of times, someone gets a kickback.
168. Whisper your way to success.
177. Know your enemies…but do business with them always.
181. Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
189. Let others keep their reputation…you keep their money.
190. Hear all, trust nothing.
192. Never cheat a judge…unless you can get away with it.
194. It’s always good business to know your customers before they walk in the door.
202. The justification for profit is profit.
203. New employees are like razor-toothed greeworms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.
208. Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.
211. Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don’t hesitate to step on them.
214. Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
217. You can’t free a fish from water.
218. Always know what you’re buying.
223. Beware the man who doesn’t make time for accepting a bribe.
229. Money lasts longer than lust.
236. You can’t buy fate.
239. Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
242. More is good…all is better.
255. A  smart accountant a necessity.
261. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
263. Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for Money.
266. When in doubt, lie.
284. Deep down, everyone’s corrupt.
285. No good deed ever goes unpunished.